Previouse Professors
by Ihatechoosinganame
Summary: What would happen if during third year, the defence class discusses just what has gone on at the school over the last few years? Rated M just to be safe


We don't know that spell...no we haven't learned that either...no we didn't go over that...neither of our previous professors taught us that...Wait you can do that...nope never heard of it before...

The students could tell that Remus Lupin was beginning to get irritated. So were they, how much had they not learnt. He was doing the first day check because the previous professors did not leave good notes. Asking what had been covered. When no one answered he began asking about specific spells and creatures they could have covered.

Finally Harry took pity on the professor, the students had all since realized they didn't learn anything at all. "Sir, we didn't learn any of that. We didn't learn anything. Everything we know about defense is that a bright smile can fight a banshee, it's perfectly safe to wrestle a werewolf on the full moon if you have the right technique and don't let out Cornish pixies in a classroom. That was what last year's professor taught us. The year before that we learnt how to stutter through a sentence and maybe pick up some useful information on how to run away from dangerous creatures. We couldn't think past the garlic and smell of decaying flesh in this room. Whatever you ask us we haven't learnt. What we know is how to hex people in the halls, how to do prank spells and maybe a few stinging hexes when we fight. We learnt that from duels in the halls. Sometimes we use charms to save our buts otherwise we are completely in the dark, you'd be better off starting us off from the first class of first year and working from there."

"Dreadful, I agree with a Potter," Zabini drawled. "The Gryffindor has a point. Anything of use we learnt on our own or from the older students."

"Half the classes at Hogwarts are completely pointless," harry added. "Potions, History, Divination, Mugglestudies. They're a complete waste of time. Defense is just the worst."

"Said by the best defense student at Hogwarts," Seamus Finnegan added.

Harry blushed slightly, "I am far from the best. No one at Hogwarts are able to defend themselves from a bloody pixie with what is taught here."

"Imobulus works but we learnt that from Hermione," Neville offered.

Harry nodded, "Fair point. Imobulus is a good way to freeze a group of pixies," harry agreed. "Especially when your professor runs out panicked leaving a group of 12 year olds to deal with it."

"Winguardiam Leviosa on a troll works," Ron offered.

The trio snickered, "true but we learnt that in charms," Hermione added. "Doesn't count."

"Very true," Harry stated. "Oy can anyone think of anything useful we learnt in this class?"

"You make a very nice werewolf," Fay said giggling.

Harry glared, "let's not bring that up again. If I didn't need the pass to the restricted section I would show him a werewolf."

The Gryffindor's all started laughing while the Slytherine's snickered. "We learnt that Lockheart wants world peace and plans to achieve it with his line of hair care products," Lily Moon stated the Slytherine's even couldn't help but join in.

"Yes hair, apparently I will never be a hero since I have horrid hair," Harry said pouting dramatically.

"It's okay harry, do you really want to have to sign autographs, such taxing work," Ron mocked.

"Don't I know it? He made me sign over 100 for detention," harry said shaking his head. "You know I think we learnt more from qu-qu-quirrel. Running away and passing out was more affective then smiling at what you're fighting."

Hermione decided to join in once again, "We learnt that in muggle primary Harry," she reminded.

"Too true, we did didn't we," harry stated. "So I guess we haven't learnt anything. We learnt more from this class then we did for two whole years. Apparently there's this whole list of spells we should have known for our exams the last two years that I haven't even heard of."

Remus took a seat as the students mocking the class. "So you are saying that this class has been pointless for two years and you all know absolutely nothing that you're supposed to spell or creature wise." They class in nearly perfect unison nodded. "I see, well apparently we have our work cut out for us this year. We will do spells one week, creatures the next and hopefully we will get you up to third year standard or as close as possible. Why doesn't everyone write me a list of 10 spells you believe would be useful in defense against the dark arts? Only five can be from your charms and transfigurations class so it will need a bit of research. I also want you to explain why they would be useful. Class dismissed."

"Oh before we leave, Fred and George said that the two before ours were just as horrible," harry stated. "So you should probably start the entire school on first year level and try to work up."

The students left amused to go get a start on their homework since class was only half over. Remus just collapsed into his seat wondering what on earth he could have possibly have gotten himself into.

"Stupify is definitely a good one, to stun your opponent in a duel and it also works on some magical creatures," Harry said writing it down.

"Protego is a shield charm, one of the weaker ones," Hermione added. "There's also Prestinda and Olecto which are about our level."

"Leg locker and jelly fingers, hard to duel when you can't dodge or hold a wand," Neville said shyly.

"Incendio, good for inferei," Seamus stated.

This caused them all to laugh since Seamus liked his fire. "Tripping jinx, it's a prank spell but honestly if you're tripping about how can you duel someone," Fay said shyly.

"How about tickling hex, again, hard to duel if you're laughing," Dean stated as everyone nodded.

Ron found one, "expelliomouse, it gets the wand from an opponent though it's iffy. Some are too quick or shield but it would be very good for the class."

"Rediculus works against boggerts, useful to know," Hermione stated.

Harry found another one, "these are five different blasting hexes, and we can each put a different one for the most part. A blasting hex is a good offensive spell. Sometimes the best defense is a good offence."

"Oh this one is what we actually could have used against the pixies," Neville said surprised that the three invited him to study with them.

"I found a book with a set of 10 different defensive spells they will all work," Harry said.

They went through book after book until they all had ten different spells. Apparently there was a lot they could have been learning.

"First, I would like to say I am extremely impressed," Remus stated. "These are all excellent suggestions. Mr. Finnegan. You seem to have a large focus on fire oriented spells in your list."

This caused the entire class to laugh, even the Slytherine's confusing him. "Sorry professor," Fay said hiding a giggle. "It's just a well-known fact that Seamus likes fire..."

"Yeah first year somehow he made a fire with windguardiam Leviosa," Ron stated. "He's a bit obsessed..."

"That was an accident," Seamus protested. "Besides, I am not the one who likes loud explosions. That's Harry and Neville."

A Slytherine decided to join in, "Wait, you mean you mean to blow up your cauldrons," Lily moon asked.

"It's just a talent," Harry returned easily giving her a bright grin.

"Speaking on windguardiam Leviosa," Mr. Weasley I must say that's an extremely creative idea, I am not sure if it would work on a troll club to knock one out but that is definitely thinking outside the box."

"It does," the entire Gryffindor group stated.

It was Blaise Zabini who asked, "Wait...first year that's how you knocked out the troll," he demanded.

Ron blushed Weasley red, "it was the only spell we learnt. I don't think turning a match stick into a needle would have worked...if anything that would just make the club worse...my way works brilliantly."

"It really does," Hermione agreed.

Remus was gaping shocked, "you're not...your serious?'

"Fraid so...it's a long story, involved the Halloween feast, the defense professor, a troll and the girls bathroom," Harry offered. "But take it from us...or ask any professor who worked here before. It really does work perfectly."

He decided to just nod. "I was a bit surprised at the acromentula mention and flying cars if not fire charm in your report Mr. Potter."

Harry snickered, "um...let's say long story, was in the forbidden forest, don't follow spiders and thank merlin for old cars with a bit too much magic in them."

"Here I thought they were only good for fighting whomping willows," Draco Malfoy stated thought here was humor in his tone.

"Not effective, the tree actually won," Ron couldn't believe he said it after the words came out of his mouth. He was joking with Malfoy.

"You do get style points," Theodore Nott stated, "For turning Professor Snape so many colors and him not dying. We thought he was going to murder you."

"So did we," Harry admitted sheepishly. "Give me an angry acromentula any day."

"You know Potter, you're alright, apparently you have some common sense," Lily Moon stated. "I'd take the acromentula as well."

Remus cleared his throat, he'd be having some talks with the rest of the staff. "The protection against a basilisk stare is interesting theory."

"ACCURATE," All the Gryffindor's and some of the Slytherine's stated.

"What."

"There was a basilisk running around the school last year. Petrified a number of students," Hermione stated. "Myself included. As long as you don't get the full gaze you won't end up like Mertle."

"Mertle," Daphne Greengrass demanded. "As in moaning Mertle."

"Basilisk killed her when she was being bullied and went to the bathroom to hide," Harry stated. "She opened the door because she heard hissing and well...caught the full gaze of a basilisk stare. She stayed so she could haunt the person who was bullying her but they ended up having to tie her spirit to Hogwarts since she took her haunting job to a whole other level. Ask her some time. She loves talking about it."

"How did everyone see it through a reflection though," Blaise asked curiously.

"Colin his camera, filches cat through the water on the floor, Hermione and Clearwater through a handheld mirror since Hermione had just figured it out. Finch-Fletchy through nearly headless nick. You can't kill a ghost," Harry stated. "Though I am curious...how did they feed him the restorative droubt."

Hermione went silent for a minute, "that's a really good question," she admitted.

"Okay so apparently we are learning more from you lot then we did every other professor. How'd you end up killing that thing," Nott asked. "It's been driving the Slytherine house crazy."

"Sword," harry said sheepishly. "For the record. Stabbing a basilisk through the mouth with a sword at twelve bad idea...if it wasn't for Fawkes I'd be dead cause I got bit."

"Fawkes as in the headmaster's phoenix," Goyle asked. "How'd that help?"

"Phoenix tears are literally the world's best healing solution, nearly impossible to get but definitely the best," Malfoy stated. "A sword really."

"It's in the headmaster's office," Fay stated. "I saw it and asked the portraits. They said that's what happened too. How'd you beat the eyes?"

Harry shivered slightly, "sorry...well um Fawkes sort of tore them out."

"As in," Blaise said giving the air over his eyes a scratch.

Harry nodded. "Yeah creepy right."

They all nodded there agreement, the Slytherines sharing looks wondering if they were on the right side or not. Maybe he wasn't someone they truly wanted to piss off. "Yeah fairly," Lily agreed. "Though a good idea. The phoenix would be immune because they are believed immortal. Any suggestions on if you don't have a fire bird. For future references?"

"Actually, a spell lock spell, burn out the eyes. It's a mastery level and tricky without the eyes you can fight it in a number of ways. Eyes and mouth are the only non-spell resistant part," harry stated getting surprised looks from everyone. "What, I may be reckless but I survived once, I was sure as hell going to find out how to survive again. That whole myth of lighting not hitting the same place twice is complete poppycock. I am not taking chances."

"A Gryffindor with a brain, impressive," Blaise stated. "And a descent sense of humor."

Harry fluttered his eyes, "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said."

Blaise chuckled, "Why haven't you shown that you were not just an arrogant arse years ago. We could have had some fun potter."

"You'd be safer with a bit of distance, just look at Ron and Hermione...I mean I like being sane and I don't think hanging about those threes the best plan," Seamus said getting a smack from Hermione. "What...they are the idiots who followed the spiders."

"Fair but..."

"And went into a basilisk chamber."

"Yes but..."

"And the whole cerberus thing," Neville pointed out. "You three were psycho enough to go back."

"Hey," the three protested.

"And who gets back on a bloody broom after someone tried to kill you with it," Dean added.

Hermione glanced to Harr, "Okay, that I can consent to but everything else we were set up."

"Oh yes, you were set up," Lavender teased.

"Yes, we were set up," Harry said stubbornly. "Besides, last I checked you were the one sneaking out of the common room last year with a basilisk on the loose."

Lavender gaped, "I didn't know it was a basilisk. You ran off after a troll."

"No we ran after Hermione," Harry protested. "We ran into the troll and had to improvise. That is all beside the point entirely. We are perfectly sane thank you very much."

None of the students looked convinced, Remus was just gaping. "You all...what exactly did I sign up for when I took this job exactly." No one would look him in the eye. "Explain."

Harry spoke up. "Well, Quirrels dead and Lockheart obliviated himself...completely," Harry stated. "You probably should retire. No offence or anything. It's because you seem like a good bloke that I am saying it but well...your life expectancy will increase if you leave of your own free will. Just a thought. Maybe make a retirement plan for just before exams. They usually are fine up till that point."

"Two years before us he got eaten by something in the forbidden forest he was gathering to bring in to class...well they think he got eaten. There was enough left there to say he died they had to do some search and everything but it was only like...half of him left," Draco Malfoy stated. "Three months into term and they had to get a replacement."

"Who had an accident and lost his left arm, his foot and his left eye," Lily Moon said brightly.

The Gryffindor's shared surprised looks, "What happened the year after," Harry asked curiously.

"He disappeared a month before school ended," Draco stated, "or so Marcus Flint told us. He said something about vampire's maybe...or too many drinks in Alberforths pub. I don't know details...technically he is just a missing person not actually dead."

Ron cringed, "I think Percy said something about the year before the guy who got eaten...he had an incident with a spell going wrong and got screwed up and tried to off the students. It was Percy's class that he tried to kill. They all see threstles so I think he either killed a student or got himself offed."

Harry looked to Professor Lupin, "I'd retire sir. The curse...well it's very dangerous. I would just leave well you have a chance since your actually pretty cool and seem to care about what we can learn. If you have a lick of common sense...run while you still got both feet. I really do wish you the best but we have class...potions and I do not want to be late for that."

"No one does," Crabbe said seriously.

"And you're his favorites, how do you think we feel," Neville asked as they all left the classroom as a group.

Goyle chuckled slightly, "you're the house of the brave aren't you."

"it's Professor Snape, we are the house of the brave, not suicidal," Hermoinee said bluntly.

Remus got all the other professors together at the meeting, "What happened to last year's professor."

"For defense," Minerva asked surprised by the question/

Remus nodded, "There was an incident with an obliviation charm he attempted to cast on two students, he used a broken wand and it backfired," Filius stated.

Remus paled, they were telling the truth. "What happened the year before?"

"Quirrel...it was tragic but he attacked a student and allowed himself to be possessed and lost his life," Dumbledore stated.

"So there was a troll...a cursed broom...a basilisk and Cerberus and and...acromentulas and oh merlin," he said sitting down.

The other staff looked at him worriedly, "Are you okay Remus," Minerva asked gently.

He shook his head, "No...I didn't believe them. You will have my resignation in the morning."

"What," Dumbledore asked shocked.

Remus shook his head. "I can't do it. Not only does no one know anything...or they think they knew nothing...I foolishly asked my students what they learned. To write a paper on spells that could be useful and what I got was a flying car to escape acromentulas, music boxes for cerberi, winguardiam Leviosa to fight a bloody troll."

"Remus, I thought you wished to protect James son," Dumbledore said though laid out like that it was easy to see his reservations.

Remus glared, "he killed a basilisk...a bloody basilisk at 12 years old with a sword and a pheonix...not only that he then looked up the spells to actually kill a basilisk," Remus stated getting surprised looks from those who had not known the whole stories. "Let him at Sirius Black Albus. My galleons are on Harry Potter thanks. Now not only did I get this...hell school with monsters trying to eat students. You know what my third year's told me?"

"I don't think we will approve," Minevra stated taken back.

"Obliviation, dead, Missing and rumors of a vampire or something about a pub and before that he lost his left arm foot and eye after taking over for someone who got eaten," Remus said throwing up his arms. "I am a werewolf, I am not bloody stupid. No thank you, I would rather be jobless in alive then have a few months of a good job and end up...acromentula food. Now these students seem extremely smart. They kindly said that they really like me, that I seem like I would be a great professor but if I had a lick of common sense I would leave. Last I checked, I am the last maurauder with any common sense and I am gone. I don't need 13 year olds to tell me to move my arse because I like being alive thanks. Leave black in a room with them for just five minutes...he won't stand a chance. I am a werewolf...pretty damn spell resistant but those kids scare me."

He got up and left the room to a silent group of staff members. "Oh dear," Minerva said finally. "That is not good at all."

"No, it really isn't is it," Dumbledore stated sighing. "I guess we need to look at new applicants again."

"We could at least try to convince him to stay," Filius suggested unsure of himself."

Dumbledore shook his head, "If you heard all that would you remain," Dumbledore asked. "No apparently we need another professor. I don't think we have any chance of convincing him to take his post again."


End file.
